Yesterday marked exacty one month since Palmer left us. I had my moments throughout the day, breaking down mainly from disbelief that he's really not here. I woke at 3:30am and can't get back to sleep. Phil and I experienced insomnia all through April and it was just getting better two nights ago. It's been windy here in Arizona lately so I wake to the sounds of the wind chimes, thinking it's Palmer's tags on his collar as he rustled around in his playpen at night. Until recently, thinking about his last day (April 2nd) made me sick to my stomach and nauseous. Now, it's a sad, bittersweet memory but still causes a physical pain in my heart. I don't expect that to go away.
We had scheduled Dr. Christina Nutter to come over at 2:45pm. From the moment we woke that day, the house remained quiet. It was a Saturday but we made our traditional Sunday breakfast for the family so Palmer can enjoy his weekly bacon. His strength was coming back strong that day. Phil and I thought, that figures! The day of the "euth......" (I still can't say that word)- Palmer's got a little bounce in his step and a voracious appetite! He devoured all his food and kept asking for more leftover salmon which we almost ran out. I started to have little pangs of doubt over what we were doing but Phil said "Palmer's giving us a gift..he's leaving us with a better memory." Well, he certainly did, in a way. His last few hours were a little traumatic for us..not so much him. Let me tell you what happened.
12:00pm- our friends and neighbors, Ruchi and Alex came by to see Palmer. They sat for an hour or so. Most of that time Palmer napped on my lap or Alex's. Towards the end of their visit his breathing became shallow and respiration rate increased.
2:30pm- Phil and I were getting really nervous now since the "Grim Reaper" was arriving any moment. I could hear Phil catch his breath and found myself gasping for air as well. Palmer remained rested on my chest but still shallow breathing. Dr. Christina calls and said she's running late since the Loop 101 was closed due to construction.
3:00pm- Palmer suddenly sits up on my lap, panting and his tongue hanging out. We thought he was about to go into syncope or he already had one on my lap. He has a history of these a few times a year in the last 4 years due to his heart murmer. It was a hot day so we turned on the A/C and took him outside. Maybe he had to pee. Ironically he didn't have bowel movement all day and with the tremendous amount of food he ate, I thought he probably had to go. Nothing! Brought him back inside and he paced, stood erect in the kitchen and wide eyed, tongue still hanging out. Phil and I went from dreading her arrival to anxiously expecting it. Something bad was about to happen and we felt it. I picked him up, fearing he was going to faint on our floor, carried him for not even thirty seconds and upon Phil's suggestion, laid him down on his cushion in the living room. He slipped into a restful nap mode. That was the last time one of us held him.
By the time she arrived I was in hysterics. I don't think she even heard my name through my sobs. Once I caught my breath I explained what was happening. She said it sounded like Palmer was crashing. It may have been a coincidence that it was his time and we happen to schedule her OR most times, pets pick up on their parents' energy in the last few days and just know. It could've been both in our case. At least now he was resting. She assured us he wasn't in pain and he was just very very tired. This whole drama may have been his way of telling us it's okay to go now. Looking back it was a little blessing in disguise. His "crashing" made it easier to lay him down...physically let him go. Otherwise, Dr. Christina or Phil may have had to pry him from my grip. I can't imagine living with that traumatic memory. Palmer knew it was coming. He noticed in those last few days at least one of us was home with him. He knew he was being cradled, hugged and showered with more than the hundred kisses we usually gave him daily. He noticed the visitors and delectable foods in his bowl which were usually reserved for Sunday brunch or special occasions.
It's so difficult to keep a positive mood in your home when you know the end is scheduled. Even though you made peace with your decision and are certain this is best for your pet, your natural instinct is to smother your pet with affection and relish every last hour, every last minute with them. Over the last 4 days, I couldn't tell you how many times I bathed his head with my tears. But I managed to have upbeat words with him and showed him I can smile through all my pain and his weakness. In the end our experience demonstrated they do hear you...they feel your pain and release you from it when they leave.
Melanie
About Palmer
- Melanie Dias-Zair
- We were blessed with a healthy (approximately) 2 1/2 yr old mixed terrier in 1998. The first two years or so we dealt with separation anxiety and some passive aggressive behaviour towards strange men. He then matured and only his loving tendencies showed. He always had a sad look to him but I always said he was just a deeply sensitive pooch. We think in his prior puppy life he was abused so loud sudden noises startled him and Phil (my husband) couldn't shout at the TV when watching a game without Palmer scurrying under the couch. He melted our hearts every day. He was an active "little monkey" as we called him- climbing up on sofas, chasing rabbits, lizards, any small creatures and only wanted to play with the big dogs.We plumped him up from his initial 12 lb weight to a healthy 16lbs. Unfortunately the renal disease which was detected in early 2004, at approximately age 8, slowly caused the muscle wasting down to 10 lbs- probably less on his last day. We'll be posting little stories among our clinical info, tips and experiences. Let's first tell you how it all began. (Please read the first post at the very bottom or click the Stories link to the left)
