Honoring his memory....

It's been three long months of turmoil and adjustments without Palmer which is why I return to this blog today. I promise I will start writing about our management of his renal disease soon.

In mid May we went to Los Angeles to visit the Amanda Foundation where we adopted Palmer. May 25th marked 13 years since we adopted him there so we felt it was fitting to return to say thank you and give a donation.
We dropped off some of his toys, unused medical supplies and a monetary gift. It was difficult for me to get out of the car when we arrived. All the memories of the first day we met flooded back. We were greeted by happy barks from an army of little pooches in the front yard as we approached the building. What stuck us was a white terrier mix running around who looked a lot like Palmer. I broke down on the spot and thought "Oh no, is this happening again? What does this mean? Will we be tempted to bring another home? I'm not ready yet.".

After leaving the donations we went to the Hollywood Gelson's Market to visit Teri Austin, President of Amanda Foundation. She was hosting a booth at a holistic pet event. Meeting her after so many years and receiving her heartfelt thanks for giving Palmer such a wonderful life, touched me. It wasn't validation I needed but seeing how these non-profit foundations care so much for their orphans beyond their adoptions made our whole lives with Palmer more meaningful.

It's truly sad how many loving dogs and cats are abandoned, homeless and some, not fortunate to find their way to a no-kill facility. I encourage everyone to open their hearts and wallets to help these precious children. If you're ready to adopt, consider giving a homeless pet a home versus buying from a breeder. It's amazing how much character and love comes from an orphan (even a mutt) and how much they can enrich your lives!

Teri gave us her permission to adopt across state lines from her Foundation when we are ready. It would be a sentimental journey back to Palmer's first home. And we would seriously consider it if we don't find our next child at our local shelter. Wherever we adopt, it would be one less homeless child.

Melanie

Palmer Crashes On His Last Day.....

Yesterday marked exacty one month since Palmer left us. I had my moments throughout the day, breaking down mainly from disbelief that he's really not here. I woke at 3:30am and can't get back to sleep. Phil and I experienced insomnia all through April and it was just getting better two nights ago. It's been windy here in Arizona lately so I wake to the sounds of the wind chimes, thinking it's Palmer's tags on his collar as he rustled around in his playpen at night. Until recently, thinking about his last day (April 2nd) made me sick to my stomach and nauseous. Now, it's a sad, bittersweet memory but still causes a physical pain in my heart. I don't expect that to go away.

We had scheduled Dr. Christina Nutter to come over at 2:45pm. From the moment we woke that day, the house remained quiet. It was a Saturday but we made our traditional Sunday breakfast for the family so Palmer can enjoy his weekly bacon. His strength was coming back strong that day. Phil and I thought, that figures! The day of the "euth......" (I still can't say that word)- Palmer's got a little bounce in his step and a voracious appetite! He devoured all his food and kept asking for more leftover salmon which we almost ran out. I started to have little pangs of doubt over what we were doing but Phil said "Palmer's giving us a gift..he's leaving us with a better memory." Well, he certainly did, in a way. His last few hours were a little traumatic for us..not so much him. Let me tell you what happened.

12:00pm- our friends and neighbors, Ruchi and Alex came by to see Palmer. They sat for an hour or so. Most of that time Palmer napped on my lap or Alex's. Towards the end of their visit his breathing became shallow and respiration rate increased.
2:30pm- Phil and I were getting really nervous now since the "Grim Reaper" was arriving any moment. I could hear Phil catch his breath and found myself gasping for air as well. Palmer remained rested on my chest but still shallow breathing.  Dr. Christina calls and said she's running late since the Loop 101 was closed due to construction.
3:00pm- Palmer suddenly sits up on my lap, panting and his tongue hanging out. We thought he was about to go into syncope or he already had one on my lap. He has a history of these a few times a year in the last 4 years due to his heart murmer. It was a hot day so we turned on the A/C and took him outside. Maybe he had to pee. Ironically he didn't have bowel movement all day and with the tremendous amount of food he ate, I thought he probably had to go. Nothing! Brought him back inside and he paced, stood erect in the kitchen and wide eyed, tongue still hanging out. Phil and I went from dreading her arrival to anxiously expecting it. Something bad was about to happen and we felt it. I picked him up, fearing he was going to faint on our floor, carried him for not even thirty seconds and upon Phil's suggestion, laid him down on his cushion in the living room. He slipped into a restful nap mode. That was the last time one of us held him.

By the time she arrived I was in hysterics. I don't think she even heard my name through my sobs. Once I caught my breath I explained what was happening. She said it sounded like Palmer was crashing. It may have been a coincidence that it was his time and we happen to schedule her OR most times, pets pick up on their parents' energy in the last few days and just know. It could've been both in our case. At least now he was resting. She assured us he wasn't in pain and he was just very very tired. This whole drama may have been his way of telling us it's okay to go now. Looking back it was a little blessing in disguise. His "crashing" made it easier to lay him down...physically let him go. Otherwise, Dr. Christina or Phil may have had to pry him from my grip. I can't imagine living with that traumatic memory. Palmer knew it was coming. He noticed in those last few days at least one of us was home with him. He knew he was being cradled, hugged and showered with more than the hundred kisses we usually gave him daily. He noticed the visitors and delectable foods in his bowl which were usually reserved for Sunday brunch or special occasions.

It's so difficult to keep a positive mood in your home when you know the end is scheduled. Even though you made peace with your decision and are certain this is best for your pet, your natural instinct is to smother your pet with affection and relish every last hour, every last minute with them. Over the last 4 days, I couldn't tell you how many times I bathed his head with my tears. But I managed to have upbeat words with him and showed him I can smile through all my pain and his weakness. In the end our experience demonstrated they do hear you...they feel your pain and release you from it when they leave.

Melanie

Cherishing your last few days with your pet.

Since that prior Wednesday, he remained quite weak on Thursday but Friday started to recover symptomatically. We worked Friday morning while our friend down the street, Uncle Alex came over to watch him. Friday evening we prepared his favorite foods. He already had his regular diet of baked antibiotic free chicken and steamed organic broccoli , topped with a little leftover grass-fed beef. But we made maple salmon. Palmer devoured it.  It may have been the food and treats that perked him up but often watching it made it difficult to justify our decision to have the vet come. Phil had to keep reminding me of the decline in his overall quality of life. At this point we were keeping him around for us, not him.

Wed. March 30, 2011

The weather was beautiful that week so each evening we took his playpen outside to nap in the fresh air while we watched the sunset. Or we just held him on our chest as we lay on the patio chairs. I couldnt' let him go. I wanted to squeeze him but he was so frail from the weight loss.  Friday evening our friend, Uncle Andy hadn't seen Palmer in a long time so he came over. I noticed the mild sense of shock when he took a look at Palmer- the weight loss, the dementia, the slow unsteady gait. We reminisced about the times we babysat each other's dogs. Andy and Christine's two dogs have sinced passed. In fact, most of Palmer's doggy buddies from all over the country were gone. Palmer, I think, was the last one left.
We had all the photo albums out on the coffee table and I have to say it was healing and a little joyful to look at them. Talking to Andy made us feel a little better about our decision and reminded us what a wonderful long life we gave Palmer and how he gave us the best years of our lives.
That night, he didn't sleep in his playpen. We brought him into one of our beds and cradled him all night. I spent most of that night staring at him. He only woke us up twice that night and kept kicking me in bed (unintentionally). I noticed a type of tremor kick that started the day before during his naps- similar to a dream state. So I decided to believe he was having some peaceful dreams.

When you have accepted that your pet's time is near, it's time to cherish every single moment even more than ever. Take time to just sit and relax with him or her. Unless your pet is in pain, any special diet or supplements can be shelved now. Of course check with your vet first. We gave Palmer his subcutaneous fluids up until Friday (the day before) to help flush toxins and give him a little energy. We stopped most his supplements by Thursday with the exception of B12 for his nervous system and a little Fish Oil. I did a little lavender aromatherapy and massaged him. For you, only communicate with supportive friends and relatives. This is not the time to speak to those who don't quite understand what you are going through or can't understand why you didnt do this "a long time ago". You don't need any judgmental feedback at a time like this. Just remind yourself you did everything you could for your loving pet and he or she knows it.

How we knew it was time to let go.....

Palmer's last year and a half were consumed with daily home care. Among many things, we were administering subcutaneous fluidinjections since Dec 2009 almost daily to help flush toxins out of his body. Eventually his pee breaks went from every 2-3 hours to every hour and he wasn't able to tell us he had to go outside. Phil and I would clock his routine, either in shifts or setting a timer to ding us when an hour was up to prevent accidents in the house. (Of course we werent perfect at this and Palmer sometimes had to void sooner).
Around last Christmas he started getting biweekly gastrointestinal problems- diarrhea, straining etc. But they would only last through the morning and he was back to normal by noon. We assumed this was the progression of kidney failure- other systems shutting down. He also exhibited dementia for at least two years, worsening in the last few months. We constantly had to pull him out of corners or out of the kitchen chairs where he often was trapped. Phil and I never openly spoke about it but deep down we both knew if his condition worsens significantly, then we would have to face that dreaded decision for Palmer's sake.

On Tuesday March 29th, 2011, his GI problems hit him hard and did not resolve. We were up all night, taking him outside almost every hour. He weakened quickly and his body seemed limp. Wednesday morning we watched him trying to stand at his bowls. Both this legs could barely support him. He sunk down to a sit position but seemed like he was trying to hold his back end up so stubbornly. He gazed at his bowls but was unable to sip the water or eat the food. For the past 15 months his motor nervous system was challenged every morning and Palmer found it difficult to pick up and hold food in his mouth to chew. However, by afternoon, all his neural input kicked in and he ate heartily. But not this day. At one point he looked at me and spoke to me through his narrow visioned eyes. It was the look I dreaded since the moment we brought him home. He told me he was done.

He was his weakest Wednesday morning. Phil and I observed him making weak attempts to touch his breakfast while his hind legs kept giving out. We looked at each other and knew. The tears spilled as we struggled to justify this horrible decision. But all we had to do now is just look at him and see that he was not comfortable now. Until yesterday, Palmer was content, actively eating, snuggled, grabbed cookies and jumped on us for treats.

When you are dealing with your pet's slow, progressive illness like this, it's so important you don't get lost in the day to day routine of care. You need to be aware of of his functional status. Charting his loss of function in a log may help you see things more clearly. Pehaps we were lost for a while too partly due to denial but Palmer was thankfully never in pain and he always had his appetite. In that case, your loving pet will always give you a sign. And you will know.

Update

Phil and I are still coping with the shock, the pain and immense sadness of losing Palmer so recently. We're trying to adjust to an empty house so we're not home much at all anymore. We will return in a few days to continue this blog and write about our management of his renal disease as well.
Please check back with us and send us any questions and comments. Thank you.

Melanie

The Day We First Met....

May 1998- I was studying for my chiropractic board exams and happen to see Teri Austin on the Leeza Gibbons Show (I was a big Knots Landing fan) representing the Amanda Foundation a no kill animal shelter in Beverly Hills. She brought on these adorable dogs to the set and showed the behind the scenes before and after footage of their makeovers. I couldn't believe these precious pooches were casted aside, unwanted and caged up in a pound with slim chances of being saved. The Foundation visits these shelters and painstakingly selects animals from the pound for their own facility- having to leave the others behind. Their staff nurses them back to health and gets them spayed or neutered. My husband, Phil (boyfriend at the time) came home and once I told him about the segment, he said "We need to rescue one of those!" It was a done deed.  I picked up the phone and the volunteer started the screening process immediately on the call. The appointment was set and within 2 days we went down to the center to this time, have the dogs interview us! I was going through a very difficult time in my life back then. My mother back home in Toronto was just diagnosed with cancer and the homesickness was unbearable. Having the love of a pet and the opportunity to give a homeless one a loving home and family would give us the most fulfillment.

We must have walked 3 dogs who our volunteer, Jessica picked out for us. I have to say the staff and volunteers were very welcoming and skilled at matching people with pets. All three were adorable in their own way. It was a big decision so we told Jessica we needed a day or two to think about it. As we were leaving she said "Hold on! You need to see one more dog." She pointed towards the front desk counter where a scrappy, grumpy looking terrier sat.  Phil and I looked at each other and hesitantly said "ok". He wasn't crated so we thought he was a resident pet or mascot. Jessica fostered him at her house every night then he goes to work with her each day. (nice homeless life!) But he terrorized her own gentle,elderly German Shepherd so she couldn't keep him.  During the walk I had to hold the leash because either he was scared or just didn't like men. During the walk he would look back at Phil and growl a few times. Let's just say by the end of the walk, he was sitting on Phil's lap on the bench outside the Foundation! This grumpy old looking dog was only approximately two and a half years old, his Foundation name was Chuckie. Jessica called him McDuff. We renamed him Palmer after the founder of chiropractic. No wonder this dog was confused! Well the rest as they say is history and we couldn't imagine not having Palmer in our lives for those 12 years and 10 months!